i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
