he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
