Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
