I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
