God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
