yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
