Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He better not be in your backpack
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
