I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
