you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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