I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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