feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize