Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
