I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
