Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
