Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
