i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
