Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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