And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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