You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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