I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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