did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
