They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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