i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
