Please, let me fuck your mom
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
