so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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