i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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