Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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