So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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