not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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