i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
