no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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