he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
