We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
