be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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