Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
