I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
