I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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