If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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