Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
