So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
