i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
