We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
