i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
