we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
