My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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