I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
