look no pants
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
