Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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