I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
