The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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