the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
