if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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