I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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