Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
