The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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