My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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