I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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