i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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