what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
