i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize