The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
