Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
