Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
