I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
