we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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