yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
