Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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