Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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