does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
