So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
