I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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