come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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