There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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